Fear of the Light

The analogy of Plato's Cave is a very good example of life in general. Since we are always looking for "the truth", it can apply to almost anything we do or struggle with. However, sometimes the truth can be a scary thing, and dealing with it is not as easy as walking into the bright light and seeing the error of your ways. It look me almost 14 years to realize this.

When I was seven I was diagnosed with Type 1 Insulin Dependent Diabetes. This is a completely different disease than type 2, which a lot of grandparents and older people have. I do not and have not ever taken pills for my diabetes. Type 2's have used so much insulin in their body that the pancreas becomes immune to the insulin, and therefore taking the pill will help produce the enzyme that recognizes and reacts to the already produced insulin. My pancreas, and all other type 1's, do not make insulin at all. The scientific world does not know why this happens. There is a trigger, but they don't know what it is yet.

In order to maintain my life and survive. I had to give myself shots at least 5 times a day, and check my blood sugar regularly, monitor everything I ate so I could give the appropriate amount of insulin, monitor my exercise regime so I didn't go low and get sick, and carry around a med kit with me everywhere I went. At the age of seven, this was not my idea of having fun. I had to learn how to take care of myself at a much earlier age, which is something some adults can't even do. My parents were great, and they tried to help as best they could, but you can't explain a disease to someone unless they know what it feels like, and they didn't. I went through a lot of struggles at a young age, but pretty soon my diabetes became a part of me and everything I did. It was like remembering to wash your hands after going to the bathroom, simply instinct.

The older I became, the easier it was to not care about myself. Diabetes was pushed to the back of mind, when it should have been on the front. I would go days without checking my blood sugar, and I felt awful all the time. I was tired of having to deal with this "problem" that no one else I knew had to deal with. Because I was so negligent, I was hindered by my diabetes. I would get really sick on the basketball court and have to sit out at games and practices, I couldn't focus on my work in school because my vision was blurry from high blood sugar, my body was spilling ketones (sugar in the urine) because I wasn't taking my insulin and causing heavy doses of fatigue, I did not feel good.

My starting point (exiting the cave), came when I was 17. After 2 hours of basketball practice, no food, and my disregard from checking my blood sugar, I had a seizure. My parents and brother were gone for the night at a banquet and I was home all by myself. My parents came home and found me on the kitchen floor. Diabetics have this large syringe full of glucose called glucagon, which provides a signal to the liver to produce straight glucose sugar into the blood stream to get to the brain. They don't know how long I was unconscious, but the glucagon worked. I had to go the the hospital, they put me on a glucagon drip, and I had to stay there. It was awful.

After that day I realized that I was living in a cave, the shadows were the difficulties that diabetes contributed to my life. I didn't want to see the truth about my health. I was convinced that I would be fine, and nothing would happen to me. I wanted to be just like everyone else and just eat ice cream at the mall, or carry a tiny purse (not a backpack full of syringes and food), I didn't want to have to go into a stall in the bathroom and give myself a shot in the stomach so I could eat nachos with my friends. I was embarrassed and self conscious, just like every teenager. The puppeteers were the dreams of teenage normalcy, I would even consider myself a puppeteer. I was convincing myself I would be OK if I ignored my body and abused myself. But the truth was that in order to live a healthy life, and a long life, I had to start getting serious about taking care of myself. Diabetes comes with a lot of complications later on in life, in order to avoid them and even get that far, I had to start now.

I escaped the cave by a scary life experience, and stayed on the path to truth because of that fear. I am still afraid. This is why I say the truth can be scary, the fear drives me to take care of myself. Sometimes it is hard to live like that, but then I remember that right now I am healthy, and I am doing everything I can to stay that way. It was hard to do it alone, to constantly remember all the things I had to remember, but I learned how to deal with my frustrations and move on. I went to work at a summer camp for kids with diabetes and their families. I met some of the most amazing people there, people who knew what it felt like, could relate to me. It was the best thing I could have ever done. This really helped adjust my eyes to the light. I know that what we go through every day is challenging and unfair, but we do it because we want to be healthy and happy.

The moral of my story is convincing yourself that everything will be OK and turn out the way you expect it to will only work if you are courageous enough to look life in the face and stand up to it. It can be scary and hurtful, but seeing reality and taking responsibility for your own self is the only way to see the truth.